Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
You Might Also Like
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.