Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I feel seen
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em