Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You Might Also Like
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Leonardo DiCaprisun