me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*