Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫