When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
oh my god
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.