Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.