Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
You Might Also Like
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
This will teach them to underestimate me
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.