Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I hope they boil the right one.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that