Spider-cat: No One Home
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”