Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
What the hell happened in there??
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.