Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married