Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.