Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭