An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
fired
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle