Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
This is a sub tweet
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four