Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“How’s your day going?”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.