So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
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It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.