“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Yes
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI