him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
You Might Also Like
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.