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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.