Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’ve had worse
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself