“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
In Canada they just call them geese
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Monday Lisa
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady