Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
White parent Vs Arab parents
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*