“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco