Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”