Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich