My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
#Caturday
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Breaking news:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.