Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body