If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
They’re not wrong
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!