Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
😂😂
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.