My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Bobby pin
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*checks Timeline*…
And bowling should be called pinball
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.