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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf