Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*