My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
my dad has had enough
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”