Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*sewing*
A thread
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.