Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook