My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
🙅🏻
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
seems like a niche market
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.