Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Donkey Kong sommelier
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
SCARY COSTUME
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.