Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
me and the Superbowl rn
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.