Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
welp
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Quadruple digit IQ
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.