Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Personal question. #JustSaying
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one