Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
If snakes were wide
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview