Do not go gentle into that good night,
You Might Also Like
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions