Fries, not lies.
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color