If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
english majors be like furthermore
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.