The hardest thing Vision has to do
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t