‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Did…did a minotaur write this
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
can you read it!!??
maan!
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.