*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Go girl power!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.