When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
How dramatic are you?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.